TRIGGER WARNING!

PLEASE DO NOT READ IF EASILY TRIGGERED. THIS CONTAINS EATING PROBLEMS/DISORDER AND DEPRESSION.

I feel like it’s time to be open about my eating problems. They are getting worse and worse and I think it’s time to finally accept and get help. It’s been far too long now.

All my life (from about the age of 6) I have always struggled with eating. I used to be a very fussy eater as a child but never ate bad things and used to do so much walking and cycling (too much walking and cycling), however I was chubby despite being an active child with a healthy diet. I used to dread getting undressed for PE and the boys would laugh and make jokes of my chubbyness. At lunch times people used to laugh at me eating my sandwiches and I’d end up giving my food to my friends - all my food was always healthy, I was never allowed chocolate bars or crisps at school. Thankfully I was only ever bullied by boys and none of the girls in my class. However the older kids did laugh and make comments too. 

When I was 10 I had a boyfriend. He kept it secret as I was fat and an “embarrassment”. He dumped me months down the line because he was “the boy dating the fat girl”. I then turned 11 and thats when everything got really bad. I met a new friend and I thought she was wonderful, however looking back she was nothing but trouble for years and years.

Her name was Lauren, she was beautiful and so confident and like no one I had met. We clicked straight away, however I was never good enough for her. I was shy, quiet, had no opinion and was fat. We moved up to our next school and we were so close, sadly I don’t know what she was doing to me. Lauren was very much a girlie girl and liked makeup and clothes and I never cared for that. I enjoyed nature and reading. Slowly over time she made me a monster. She made me confident, mean, selfish and a bully. She starved herself, so I did too. She made me a mini twin of herself. I lost all the weight and started to dress better and wear makeup. I was then becoming more and more popular, people for once knew my name - that gave me a sense of power. Boys started noticing me and I enjoyed the attention. However I kicked people down to get there and I was pure vile. Sometimes I look back and can’t believe how bad she manipulated me. 

In the end I worked out why I was becoming a monster for her and it was because I loved her (not real love but I really liked her). This was when I was struggling with my sexuality and hid it for another 2 years. I eventually couldn’t put up with her selfishness and bullying so we stopped being friends. From being popular I was an outcast. Lauren spread rumours I was a slut and lost my virginity. At 13 that was not cool. 

I then found a new friend, she was a smoker, way older than her age. I liked her maturity and I felt cool with her however my eating problems were getting worse. I can’t remember purging for the first time or even why I did it or knew how to but yeah. I didn’t purge much at first but I really began to enjoy the buzz it gave me. It made me have that power and beauty that Lauren made me feel. It was like a little Lauren had got into my head. My friend became jealous of my weight loss and the fact I had a perfect hour glass figure (I didn’t know how good I looked until I looked back years later. I had the body girls dreamed of. Sadly I was blind). I then actually lost my virginity (age 14) and got my first “broken heart”. He was 17/18 and used me for sex. I lost my then bestfriend through my eating problems and the fact it was her crush. I was sill massively selfish - I just wanted someone to love me and make me feel thin and pretty. I’m not sure of my weight at this point but I was perfect and too ill to see. I got fixed on the thought that I was too fat and that’s why he left me, I thought skinny = pretty.

 I’m not sure at what time my purging got bad, it’s a bit of a blur. I was bad and getting worse and worse. I was purging 8 times a day, I would even purge after just a banana. This is when calorie counting started. Sadly I think I picked it off my bestfriend at the time (still my current bestfriend). It wasn’t her fault, I was already purging way before I even knew her. I noticed numbers on her hand every day and always wondered what they were. I eventually worked it out when she was having lunch (on the rare time she actually had lunch) that she was adding the calories. At that point I find it a way to control my looming depression and to help my purging. Sadly it increased my purging. I had bruised knuckles, a bleeding ripped throat and fucked up teeth every day. My hair was falling out and my skin was peeling and pale (I still haven’t got my colour back since then). 

I’m not sure my age but I’m guessing I was about 14? I cut down to 90-500 calories a day. If I ever went over 500 I would cry and scream. Some days I ate just one banana (90) and would drink calorie free drinks to keep me going. I would go to school, nearly pass out at PE, drop off in lessons, not eat at lunch and go straight to bed at 4pm after school. At this point I was at my thinnest, god knows how I functioned at all. I looked back and I looked like death, I was so pale and thin. I have never been underweight as I naturally am big but being 9/10 stone was dangerous for me. I have found my happy normal weight is about 13/14 stone. Anyway, I then started my first seriously relationship (it lasted a year). I was completely in love with him - basically obsesses, needy and clingy. I had always just wanted someone to love me and long story short he manipulated my mental illness to get my body. I always wanted to be perfect for him and would starve and purge even more for him. When he broke up with me I was lost. He basically abused me and used me. Even after our break up we were fuck buddies as I was so desperate for him to love me i;d give him my body whenever, even when I was with other girls.

When I looked in the mirror I didn’t know myself. I was so desperate for love and acceptance. At this point of heart break starving was my only control, my depression and anxiety sky rocked at this point too. I need control - food was my control. Purging always gave me that thrill and buzz. I used to look in the mirror at myself - sick down my face and makeup everywhere and think I looked beautiful. How morbid. 

This was when my drinking problems came. This was my darkest time - 2012. I couldn’t leave the house, I couldn’t go to school, I couldn’t eat or drink. My mum had to bathe me and wash me and feed me. I was close to hospitalisation. I couldn’t leave the house without a bottle of vodka. When I actually when to school I would drink my vodka in class. By lunch I’d be crying and taken home. I couldn’t even do half days. My B grades went to D’s. I isolated myself and was sleeping most the time, if I wasn’t sleeping I was drinking or having a panic attack. As result of my drinking I stopped eating completely. I was eating only every few days. I would stay in bed for days and only get out for toilet and rarely showering. I eventually got out of my hole and my depression eased. Sadly my drinking got worse. I ended up sleeping around, it gave me the same feeling starving and purging did - the power buzz. I felt sexy and beautiful. I slept with anyone I could. I was drunk 24/7 at this point, I had no standers.

During my sleeping around and drinking time I began to put on weight. I didn’t notice as I was only calorie counting my food, not my alcohol. Vodka has a lot of calories. Slowly but surely I gained weight from my drinking, I continued to sleep around as my confidence didn’t drop when drunk. I then got with my first girlfriend. At first she made me very happy and my purging was almost gone and my eating became normal. I was going to school again and she helped me stop my drinking. Sadly it didn’t work out and as she was mentally ill too we couldn’t cope with each other. I was selfish and ended it, I couldn’t be on recovery and look after someone else. We were far too similar.

I’m 16 (ish) at this point and my eating is normal. I’m still sleeping around a bit and drinking but not much. I then started to put more weight and my new found happiness went. I realised how amazing my body was when I was younger and thought I was huge and now was not happy with my new self. I stopped sleeping around because I felt too ugly so I turned to drink whenever I slept with anyone which made me gain more. I was purging on and off (like till this day).

I then met my current boyfriend (age 16). I had lost a little weight from dieting and felt much more confident. I was a flirt as always and wanted to fuck him, funnily I fell for him, it really wasn’t my intention. I purely wanted him as an easy fuck but we fell for each other. After Ryan breaking my heart and my failed relationship with my ex gf I was scared to love and open up. He never ate around me therefore I never ate around him. It wasn’t “good” at starving anymore, I would faint after seeing him or binge later at home. This was the start of my binge eating. I’d starve and feel the buzz then crash and binge. I still do this now. In the end I opened up and discussed my eating problems and wasn’t afraid to eat in front of him. It was summer and my depression lifted. I was finally happy. Or so I thought.

My new happiness with Adam was lovely. I didn’t care if I wasn’t wearing makeup or ate loads. I put more and more weight on as I got happier. Sadly too much weight. By the time it was winter I was miserable with myself. Yes I had a perfect boyfriend who loved me but I was huge and ugly. I began to starve and purge on and off but my binging just got worse. 

I guess this leads to present day now. I’ve missed out a lot obviously but my fingers are sore from typing my heart out. I am now a disgusting 18 stone. It makes me want to vomit… literally. My binging has never been this bad. I am so unhappy with my body and my weight. If I’m not starving I’m stuffing my face so I don’t pass out or because I’m so damn hungry.

Maybe it’s time I get help?

TRIGGER WARNING: ED

Oh and not sorry for the spelling mistakes, I did this for me, no one else.